Ask Happy Noodle Boy Take 2
by GIRz-Dark-Minions
Summary: I guess the story got deleted for the ask using the review thing. So here it is reposted and using e mail for questions. If Happy Noodle Boy had his own advice column, what would it look like? This? Maybe. Look and find out. Week 6 is up!
1. Chapter 1

I don't know if this has been done before, but here it goes. Ask Happy Noodle Boy is a show in which readers send in their questions, then have them answered by everyone's favorite ranting insane stick figure. Well, maybe not everyone's. There is still Shitney Spears. But that's besides the point. Jhonen Vasquez owns Happy Noodle Boy in case you were wondering.  
  
Q: Dear Happy Noodle Boy,  
  
I have a deep, dark secret that has been gnawing at my insides like rabid screeching weasels for the past two months. You see, I got married last night, but my husband's brother was sooooo hot and, well, you can guess what happened. It might have been my brother for all I know. We had all had a little too much to drink. Plus there was a gas leak. And my husband and I are cousins. But that's not the real problem. I took a pregnancy test yesterday and..it was positive. How do I tell my husband not only that I cheated, but that the kid might not be his? Sincerely, Cheater in Louisiana  
  
A: Dear Cheater,  
  
WHO THE HECK ARE YOU TO TELL ME I CAN'T WEAR STOCKINGS ON MY BRAINS?! IT'S BAD ENOUGH TO HAVE TO PUT UP WITH THE TEXTURE OF THE MOONBEAMS!! NOW I HAVE TO FEED ALL OF YOUR ZOO FISHIES TOO?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD GOING THROUGH?! DON'T READ THE TOXICALLY ADDICTIVE LEMONS FOR THEY WILL EAT YOU IN YOUR SLEEP WHEN THE QUARTER MOON RISES AND THE VAMPIRE FROGS SNIFF YOUR SHOELACES!!!! I'LL FLY AWAY LIKE SO MANY STANKY CHICKEN BONES!!! WHEEEEEE!!!! By the road, that's what Ricky Lake and Maury and all those other talk shows out to eat my fingers are for.  
  
Shitfully Yours, Happy Noodle Boy  
  
Q: Dear Mister Happy Noodle Boy,  
  
I live next to a very scary neighbor man who always has weird noises coming from his house. I think he moved away, but he keeps leaving roadkill and creepy drawings in my room and he gives me nightmares! The people in white coats say if I'm good that I get to go back home to see my mommy and daddy. Shmee says that they don't like me, but I know he's lying. But if I go home how do I get the scary neighbor man to stop scaring me?  
  
-Todd Casil  
  
A: WHAT DO YOU MEAN I CAN'T FLY IN THIS COSTUME?! I STILL HATE YOU DESPITE YOUR TENDENCIES TO KILL BIRDS AND LEAVE THEM ON MY HEAD AS HALLOWEEN PRESENTS! THE SQUIRRELS ARE WATCHING YOU!!!! THEY LOOK ALL STUPID AND BEAVER LIKE WHEN THE SUN IS OUT! BUT WHEN YOU HAVE HANGNAILS THEY TURN RED AND DO THE CHICKEN DANCE TO BRITNEY SPEARS MUSIC!!!!! YOU MAY SKI DOWN THE SEWAGE FILLED RIVERS OF TEMPORARY DARN-NATION BUT YOU WILL NEVER ESCAPE THE WRATH OF THE WHACK-A-MOLE'S MINIONS!!!  
  
-NOT yours damnit, Happy Noodle Boy  
  
Dear Happy Noodle Boy,  
  
My ex-girlfriend is stalking me. She hides in the bushes outside my house and waits until dark. Then she just sits there crying as I do my homework. Once she even lit a bunch of candles that were supposed to spell out something, but set my lawn on fire instead. Whenever she sees me talking to my current girlfriend, she freaks and kills the five people closest to her at the time with her fingernails. It's really starting to creep me out and blood is a pain to get out of my shirts. Any advice for getting her to leave me alone? -Lucky  
  
A: HOLY BICYCLE TIRES YOU NEED BOOZE!!!! THERE'S BLOOD IN MY SUGAR STREAM!!! NOOOOOO!!!! ANTIE EM!! ANTIE EM!!! IT'S ALL GOING PURPLE AND GREEN!! DOWN WITH BARNEY!! HE PROMOTES THE EXISTENCE OF SUNNY TREE TRUNKS AND STATIC CLINGING KEYBOARDS!!!! QUIT REARRANGING THE FEATURES ON THE JOINTS OF MY NECK HAIRS!!! Fine. *sniff* Be that roadkilled virtual ducky. I never feared your elbows anyway.  
  
-Something, Happy Noodle Boy  
  
E-mail your questions to Girz_Dark_Minions @ hotmail.com. (Leave out the spaces before and after the @. This site won't allow hyperlinks for some reason. ) 


	2. Chapter 2

Do you honestly think that I own Happy Noodle Boy? If so, press 1 on your keyboard and you will be transported to heck. Yes it exists. It's a basement. If not, don't press anything and just read the fic.  
  
Ask Happy Noodle Boy: Take Two  
  
Q: Dear Happy Noodle Boy,  
  
My sister is a really big ButtNutt. She keeps butting into my life and no matter how many knives I drive into her skull, she keeps coming back. What should I do?  
  
-My sister's a ButtNutt  
  
A: Dear My sister's a ButtNutt,  
  
HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO TELL THOSE PEEPS TO QUIT HANGING UP ON ZOMBIES?! IT'S LIKE THEY JUST WON'T STAY SALTY NO MATTER HOW MUCH I PEPPER THEM!!! CURSE YOU TEDDY BEAR FLUFF!! I always knew you would butcher me with your incessant butter knives and anemic fire hydrants in the middle. Flibbergibet.  
  
-Get away from me before I call the flowers, Happy Noodle Boy  
  
Q: Dear Happy Noodle Thing,  
  
What is the meaning of life? I've tried and tried to figure it out, but it never comes to me. Is it about giving big, bloody infectious paper cuts to little school children? Or is it about skipping in the posies with sickeningly cute and fluffy bunnies and pretty little butterflies? Please help me figure out why I was put on this planet.  
  
-Ed G.  
  
A: Dear Ed G.,  
  
Awwww, but I wanted to be a rock. FOOK YOU, ONE WHO DENIES ME POP ROCKS!!! YOU MAY TAKE MY INFECTED BRAIN HAIRS! YOU MAY TAKE MY FOOT POWDER! BUT YOU MAY NEVER TAKE MY FREEZY!!! FOR THE FIRST TIME THIS MILLISECOND!! BILLY JEAN IS NOT MY LOVER!! SHE'S JUST A GARBAGE CAN WHAT THINKS I SMELL NICE!! BUT THE FRUIT LOOP IS NOT MY TOENAIL DAMNIT!! SEND IT TO OUTER SPACE TO BE WITH ITS MARS DUSTY HENCHMEN AND MENTALLY LEMONY FOLLOWERS!!  
  
-Float like Edgar, Happy Noodle Boy  
  
Q: Umm.hmm.Noodleboy:  
  
Everyone tells me I need to stop having caffeine and sugar. But I LOVES them! Theyz my friends! Should I stop havin' my favorite drink stuffs?  
  
-Noodletwin  
  
A: I REFUSE TO DISBELIEVE THAT I DO NOT POSESS THE POWER TO IDENTICALLY LINK PAPER CLIPS TO SPACE SHIPS ON INTERSPASTIC GOO MISSIONS!! BEWARE THE DEMONS IN YOUR COMPUTER! THEY HAIL THE LEMON QUEEN WHO WILL EAT YOU IN YOUR NIGHTMARY SLEEP AND CALL UPON HER GREEN MINIONS THE PEEPING FROGS TO INGEST SQUIRRELS AND LEAVE THEM ON THE DOORSTEPS OF UNSUSPECTING HORSE FLIES!! I NOW DRINK NEGATIVE TEN MILLION PIXIE STICKS AND WHEEEEEEE!!!!!  
  
-Mosquitoes are my friends, Happy Noodle Boy  
  
Q: Dear Happy Noodle Boy,  
  
If you could be anyone you wanted, who would it be? I would like to be anyone else in the world other than me, mainly for the fact that I'm in love with two people, and there's nothing I can do about it. Even if I didn't love my boyfriend, I couldn't even be with the other person I like, cause they're with someone else and.we're close as family you could say, and it might weird them out. Is there something I can do to change the way I think of my life? I can't seem to think of any other reasons as to why I'm still even on this earth. Other than the fact that the higher power just wants to royally screw me over. Any advice that would make sense would be great.Ah fook.There's Nny again, wanting some Skettios.it's okay, just as long as Lucky doesn't want another one of her samitchs.  
  
-Shitfully yours, Ashii from the Turning Wheels story  
  
A: Dear Ashii,  
  
HOW IS IT POSSIBLE THAT YOU DENY THE PESTULENCE OF A HIGHER TOILET?! DOES IT NOT SPRAY YOU WITH PESTICIDES AND DANCE IN THE RAIN ON THE GRAVES OF THE MOMENTARILY DARNED?! I FOLLOWED THE WHITE RABBIT, BUT HE JUMPED OFF A PURPLE DAISY CLIFF!! USE YOUR FEET WINGS BUNNY!! IT SICKENS ME WITH COFFEE STAINS THAT I CAN'T SEEM TO FIX THE RADIO NO MATTER HOW LITTLE MINUTES I SPEND WHISPERING AND POINTING AT IT NOT TO PLAY COUNTY MUSIC AND NOXIOUS REPEATING PARASITE BALLODS OF THE INSANE ROOSTER!!  
  
-I hate tree bushes, Happy Noodle Boy  
  
Keep sending in your questions! But remember who you're asking. In other words, don't always expect a sane answer. 


	3. Chapter 3

Holy crap! Why is this shit so popular? AAAHHHH!!! I've created a monster!!!!(Which I don't really own, by the way. XD)  
  
Insanity, Take 3  
  
Q: dear gorilla cheese fry making noodle boy,  
  
How oh HOW dost the noodly bean grant thy amazing cheese fart nugget? WHY DO YOU TAUNT ME, UNDERWEAR!?? STOP EATING MY SHORTS, VERMIN!  
  
-one who LIKES tree bushes. and rocks. they taste good  
  
(if asking a sane question gets an insane response, how about an insane question? mwahahaha)  
  
A/N: Sorry, but do not try to explain logic to an insane stick figure.  
  
A: WHEN THE TREES FLY PURPLE HOVERCRAFTS AND THE BALLERINAS CEASE TO COAT MY PANTS IN WITE OUT! THAT IS WHEN I WILL STOP FREEZE DRYING CROW EGGS AND THROWING THEM AT UNSUSPECTING CHICKADEES!! DOES THE SNAKE PEASANT DARE MAKE ME EXPLAIN MY ULTRA-YELLOW MOTIVES TO A CRACK?! AND I SHALL WREAK BLUE LIQUIDY VENGANCE UP UPON ALL OF THE SWIMMING POOL INFECTIONS OF THE BRACELET!! -Your toenails are creeping me out man, Happy Noodle Boy  
  
Q: Dear Happy Noodle Boy,  
  
My cousin is a marshmallow from the planet of Cheesy Pumpernickel Bread, and I was wondering if you and your lice-infected spork of the planet LICE- INFESTED SPORKS! could help -Jib  
  
A: DO YOU DARE MOCK MY QUEASY QUEASYNESS?! DO YOU?! OR DO YOU HAVE TO GET YOUR SQUIGGLY LEG HAIRS TO DO IT FOR YOU?! They did research papers on kumquats in elenventeenth (A/N: my little sister thinks that's a real number!) grade, but they can no longer hold the peppery evilness of pot school! THE LITTLE LEMON TREE DOST MOCK ME IN IT'S LEMONYNESS!!! AWW!! BUT I WANTED TO BE A RABID KIWI!! -Show me the slimy things, Happy Noodle Boy  
  
Q: Dear Happy Noodle Boy,  
  
A few days ago I fell off my bed and I've been lying on the floor ever since. I'm really hungry but I'm flat on my back and it's cold in my room. I left the window open and some rain leaked in and I froze to the floor and stuff. Plus I'm not sure if I have skin on my back anymore. I have never fallen down before... What do I do? HELP!  
  
Signed,  
  
Incapacitated  
  
A: COOL!! CAN I BE A LEPER TOO?! WHAT?! WHAT DO YOU MEAN THE LETTERS CAN BE FLAMMABLE WHEN PLACED IN THE RAIN PRINTER?! TELL THE ROOSTER TO FLY BACK TO HIS NEW PLANET TO BE WITH THE EVIL RACE OF COO-COO CLOCK MAKERS! I WILL NOT GET UP UNLESS I GET TO TAKE A DUMP ON THE MAYOR'S DOG!!! In conclusion, today I learned how fish go to the bathroom and monkeys climb pixie sticks. Have a bad night everyone, and horrible, stinking, rotting and decaying mental health. -Da very feathery Happy Noodle Boy  
  
Guess what! Next chapter brings in one more character! In addition to your questions, send in a vote for which character should also be forced to give out their own insane brand of advice! XD 


	4. Chapter 4

Attention Everyone! I don't own Happy Noodle Boy, any other characters used in this story or Blow Pops. But I wish I did. *sniff*  
  
Insanity, Take 4  
  
Q: Dear Happy Noodle Boy,  
  
Will you marry me?  
  
-Person with no life  
  
A: What's that on your head? WAIT, WAIT DON'T SPILL HOT COCOA ON MY ARMS!! I FOUND IT! IT'S A SWIMMING POOL!!! YES IT IS!! I CAN STING IT IN MY SPLEEN, THRASHING AROUND LIKE A BADLY DRAWN HAMSTER ON A CAFFENEINE MIDDLE!! THE WORMS CRAWL IN, THE SNAILS SLIDE OUT AND FIND A RINGWORM IN YOUR NOSEHOLE IN WHICH THEY CAN DIE HAPPILY EVER SQUIGGLY IN A TOADSTOOL!!  
  
-Shit I have blood in my pants, Happy Noodle Boy  
  
Q: Why DID the chicken cross the road?  
  
-Noodletwin  
  
A:TWO PLUS TWO EQUALS NEGATIVE FOURTEEN DAMNIT!!! AND I DON'T CARE WHAT THAT FROOT LOOP THINKS ABOUT MY PINK DRESS AND PANTYHOSE!! IT'S NOT LIKE HE CAN JUMP OFF A CLIFF AND NOT BREAK A FOLLICLE!! TELL HIM TO SHOVE IT UP HIS EYEBALL AND SEE HOW IT SQUIRMS LIKE RABID KIWIS AND MURDEROUS ORANGES WITH CHAINSAWS AND SCREECHING WEASELS!!  
  
-Purple is cool, Happy Noodle Boy  
  
Q: Dear HNB,  
  
Have you ever considered having a talk show? You could beat that big chinned fool Jay Leno and that Irish (no offense to anyone from Ireland) pansy Conan hands down!  
  
Sincerely,  
  
Dib  
  
A: THE ONLY WAY YOU'LL EVER FIND ME IN DA CLUB IS IF MY HANDS ARE TIED IN AN AWKWARD POSITION IN A MUD BATH FULL OF GREEN PIGGIES WITH ORANGE CHICKENS FLYING OVER THE MOON AFTER MURDERING THE COWS AND TAKING OVER MARS AND PLUTO WITH WATER GUNS AND THROWING SPACE ROCKS AT THE VACUUM THAT IS THE SHOE OF SHITNEY SPEARS AND JUMP ON JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE'S EARDRUMS WITH TOOTHPICKS IN HEAD AND THE MOON IS IN THE 112TH HOUSE OF POOINESS!!  
  
-Don't read the lemons, Happy Noodle Boy 


	5. Chapter 5

Yes! Someone finally sent in some questions!! Yayness and thank you to those who did!  
Ask Happy Noodle Boy: Week 5  
  
Q: Dear Happy Noodle Boy,  
  
My stomach has been making a rumbly sound for three days now. It is starting to hurt. I think my head is going to explode. My nipples are itchy. My toenails are clipping me! My teeth are bleeding. My genitals are throbbing. What's wrong with me, Master Happy Noodle Boy?  
  
In much pain, Tay  
  
A: Dear Tay,  
  
SQEAK THE RUBBER CHICKEN THOUGH IT HAS NO PLACE FOR YOU IN ITS DESOLATE HEART OF CONGEALED TURKEY MEAT!!! QUACK WHEN NUNS ARE WATCHING AND ASK YOUR LOCAL SALTED PEANUTS DISPENSER WHAT IS THE MEANING OF LIFE AND THEN RUN SLOWLY AS THE WORLD EXPLODES BEFORE YOUR VERY NOSE!!!! DON'T SAY I DIDN'T WARN YOU WHEN THE MAGNOLIAS COME FOR YOUR SOUL! I'LL JUST SAY YOU DIED OF SUPERNATURAL CAUSES WHEN THEY FIND YOU HANGING ON A FLAGPOLE WITH A TOASTER GLUED TO YOUR SOCKS!!  
  
Somebody else's truly,  
  
Happy Noodle Boy  
  
Q:Dear Mr. Noodle Person I am caught in a strange love triangle. Other the past two years, I have liked two boys. Both are close friends of mine but there's a problem. I started out with a crush on one of them, let's call him Torg. My sister didn't think he was good enough for me and my best friend thought he was a bad person because he told her her boyfriend was on drugs. He was, but that didn't matter. After I finally got over it, I got a crush on his friend, we'll call him Sean. Sean has no interest in me, but for over a year, I've adored him. Now I find out Torg likes me and I don't know what to do! Go to Torg or follow Sean around and risk losing a very good chance at happiness and end up old and alone with no one but my cat to love me? Help. Boop A: Dear Boop,  
  
QUESTION NOT MY SWEATY MEASELS WHAT YOUR LAWNMOWER CAN DO FOR YOU! ASK WHAT THE ICE CREAM MAN CAN DO FOR YOUR NEIGHBOR'S GARBAGE DISPOSAL! GAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!!!!! THEY HAVE GIVEN ME A SHITNEY AGULERA DEATH TAPE!! THEY WILL PAY WITH THEIR TONSILS OR MY NAME ISN'T MICHEAL JACKSON!! Is it? No, I prefer to molest the butterflies while surfing for sharks in Orangeville. Come, Mister Monarch. I won't kill your vital spleen organs. NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! HOW DO YOU WET MY EARDRUMS LIKE OPEN WINDOWS?!?! IS IT THEM THAT ARE LEADING YOU DOWN INTO MY ESOPHAGUS WHERE EVERY NIGHT IT BURNS! IT BURNS!!!!! WITHOUT AN ANTACID MY PILLOWS ARE SLEEPING SOMEWHERE WITH PALM TREES! UNTIL MY PUPPY DAWG FINDS IT THERE AND LEADS IT BACK TO THE OLD FOLKS' HOME! KNOCK ME OUT! KNOCK ME OUT RIGHT NOW! I CAN'T VOMIT! KNOCK ME OUT RIGHT NOW!!! *BANG* Thank you.  
  
Save me from the something it's become,  
  
Happy Noodle Boy  
  
Yay for really stupid Bring Me to Life references! 


	6. Chapter 6

Hello boys and girls and those of you who either aren't sure of your gender or don't know what the word means! It's time for the sixth edition of Ask Happy Noodle Boy! The required disclaimer raises an interesting question. Can you still own something that is owned by a figment of your imagination? Since you own the imaginary thing would you own the other thing too? Or would the imaginary thing own it? Would it own itself? Does your imagination really own you but it's being all subliminal and ironic and stuff about it? But you can think about that after...if your brain still works.  
Ask Happy Noodle Boy: Take 6  
  
Dear Noodle thingy, Q: I am desperate. For two years now I have been in love with this girl at my school. She is my friend and all, and I want nothing to change that. On the other hand, however, I am ready to spend the rest of my life with her. I want so badly to hold her in my arms and kiss her gently, but sh seems to think of me as nothing more than a friend. Can you help me? Yours Truly, ~*Confused*~ A: Dear Confused,  
  
DO YOU NOT SMELL THE SMELLINESS OF MY CHEESY POOFS!! I WANT MY CHEESY POOFS DAMNIT!!!! AND NO LOUD THUMB SUCKING CRAP FOR BRAINS PUMPKIN IS GOING TO TAKE THAT AWAY FROM MY LORD AND MASTER!!! He knows the location of the sacred Twinkies!! HE DOESN'T I TELLS YA!!! FINE! DON'T BELIEVE ME! GO DIE IN SOME ROASTY TOASTY ROLLY POLLY FIREY PIT AND SIMMER ON MEDIUM FOR TEN MINUTES!!! The flames wouldn't believe you either as they licked your lice ingrained ankles and said "HOLY CRAP THIS THING'S GOT TAMPONS!!!"  
  
Not Your Biotch,  
  
Happy Noodle Boy  
  
Q:Dear Mr. Sticky, I commited blashphemy the other day! I said I hated cheez-whiz! Oh cheezy things who live in the crisper in the refrigerator...I am sorry! What sould I do? Should I douse myself in A1 sauce and sacrifice myself to my vast collection of DVD's or should I live in fear that the ritz crackers will strike me dead for the rest of my life?! Help! Most definitley not yours, One with cheesey religion. A: Dear One With Cheesy Religion,  
  
I KNOW THE MOST ANNOYING SONG IN THE WORLD AND IT GOES LIKE THIS! UNDERNEATH YOUR CLOTHES, THERE'S AN ENDLESS SUPPLY OF TREE SLOTHS! YEAH! THAT'S WHAT I'D WANT TO COME BACK AS! SITTING AROUND IN THE TREES AND SCRATCHING MY 3 STRIKES! YOU'RE IN THE DARK DARK DARK AS IN THE OCEAN! DARK AS IN THE SEA! MISS SUZIE HAD A STEEPLE AND HEY! YOU! WHAT DO YOU SEE?! SOMETHING BEAUTIFUL AND SOMETHING CORPORATE SUCKS!!! I MEAN THEY SOUND JUST LIKE WWWWWWWWWWWWOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH MON! I'M LIKE SO FREAKING HIGH!! HIGH ABOVE ME! SHE'S SO LIKE SCARY LIKE! AND SHE HAS LIKE BLACK EYELINER AND A LIKE TIE AND IT'S LIKE SCARY BUT IT'S LIKE COOL AND I'M GOING TO LIKE GO LIKE IMITATE HER LIKE NOW LIKE A PILL! INSTEAD OF MAKING ME BETTER YOU KEEP MAKING ME RUN AWAY ON ME AGEEAN!!! MARCY, YOUR THREE LEGGED DOG GOT RUNED OVER BY MY TRUCK WITH MY HIGH HEELS ON! DRIVING A TRUCK! DRIVING A BIG OLD TRUCK WITH MY HIGH HEELS ON IN AAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLLLBUQUERQUE!!!!! IN AAAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLBUQUERQUE!!!!  
  
Gone to Spray the Germs,  
  
Happy Noodle Boy 


End file.
